


Prompt fills from an anonymeme

by Dracothelizard



Category: British Comedy RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Gen, Prompt Fill, Unicorns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-23 13:05:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9658604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dracothelizard/pseuds/Dracothelizard
Summary: Some years ago there was a David Mitchell anonymous fic meme, and I wrote some fills for it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the following prompt:
> 
> "Paraphrased comment from Tumblr
> 
> 'David should really try and get some. At this point, he would have every lady in this country eating out of his hand like a herd of tame unicorns.'
> 
> DAVID AND HIS HERD OF TAME UNICORNS. BONUS POINTS FOR SPARKLES."
> 
> (Originally written in April 2010)

"So, as you can see," David explains, as he's feeding one of the unicorns a carrot, "I really can't accept your offer, for the obvious reasons."

Jonathan stares at him. "David, you would tell me if I'd gone mad, wouldn't you?"

"I certainly would," David tells him sincerely, pushing another unicorn that's taking too keen an interest in the pocket of his jacket out of the way. "No, no treats for you today."

The unicorn makes a noise, and it's kind of like a whinny but infinitely more musical and melodious, and Jonathan thinks there's a little tinkling bell in there somewhere. "It's just that we're in the countryside, and you seem to be feeding a herd of unicorns."

"Well, you did ask," David tells him, looking a little embarrassed at the one pushy unicorn. Two others are nibbling at the discarded bunch of carrots he dropped on the ground. "I mean, back in the studio."

And granted, Jonathan asked about it, in a joking manner. "Why not take me up on my offer to take your virginity? Am I too hideous for your refined tastes?" And David looked at him and told him it was rather complicated.

And then they came here, and it's still, as far as Jonathan is concerned, rather complicated. "So, the reason you won't - won't let me take your virginity is that -"

"It would rather ruin my duty as Britain's Unicorn Caretaker," David explains. The pushy unicorn has given up, and shakes its head, its silvery mane sparkling in the sun - no, wait, there're actual sparkles flying from its mane, like raindrops from a fountain. Some of the sparkles land on David's shirt, and he brushes them off with a sigh. "She always does that. I think she just likes making me look like a crafts project created by an excitable ten-year-old girl."

"Right," Jonathan says weakly, because what else is he supposed to say? "I, er, suppose that explains a lot, then."

"I do trust you won't tell anyone else about this," David tells him, looking a little anxious.

"No, no, of course not," Jonathan promises him. David Mitchell, Unicorn Caretaker. No one will believe him anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the following prompt:
> 
> "http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/11/01/article-1224449-0709A456000005DC-830_224x521.jpg
> 
> David Mitchell: Fairly Indifferent Vampire
> 
> Sparkles optional." 
> 
> (Originally written in April 2010. Once again starring Jonathan Ross. It seems to be a bit of a theme.)

"I am going to have to kill you, you know," the teenage girl said, waving a stake in a vaguely threatening manner.  
  
"Oh, do you have to?" David asked. "I mean, not that life - or unlife - as a vampire is great, but it's better than being dead."   
  
"You're an undead fiend! A monster!"   
  
David was a bit miffed at that. "I'm not a monster, I don't go around killing people," he explained.  
  
The teenage girl rolled her eyes. "Please, how do you survive, then?"   
  
"I hypnotise the people at the bloodbank to give me some blood," David informed her. He'd been rather pleased when he had realised he could just do that rather than go through the embarrassing and messy business of sucking blood out of people's necks. He still felt a little guilty at depriving the bloodbank of their much-needed blood, but well, he had to survive _somehow_.  
  
"Oh. Well, I'm still going to kill you," the teenage girl told him. "Because of - you're a vampire. And you hypnotise innocent people!"  
  
"Is that really so bad that you have to kill me?" David asked. "Derren Brown does it all the time, and no one's going after him."   
  
The teenage girl narrowed her eyes at him. "Are you saying Derren Brown is a vampire?"   
  
"No! Well, he might be. I wouldn't be surprised if he was. But my point is, hypnotising bloodbank employees, while ethically reprehensible, should not be punishable by death," David told her. "I suppose I could go to prison for a while, or pay a fine. Would you like that instead?"  
  
"No, I would like to kill you," the teenage girl said, clearly getting rather impatient. "Because you're a vampire."   
  
"And I'd really rather you wouldn't," David said. He was getting ready for another round of debate when a shadowy figure with a large cape swept into view. Great, some other poncy vampire had decided to get involved.  
  
"Begone, slayer!" the vampire cried, and hissed at the teenage girl, who adopted some martial arts stance. "Your vampire-killing days are over!"   
  
"Jonathan, is that you?" David asked. He'd recognise that voice anywhere. "I already told you, stop it with the dramatic entrances."   
  
"Well, somebody has to do this vampiring properly, and it's clearly not going to be you, with your hypnotism and bloodbanks!" Jonathan replied. "Why not me?"   
  
David sighed. The teenage girl was circling Jonathan, completely focused on him. "Well, don't come crying to me if she slays you," he said. "It'll be your own fault."   
  
"Oh, very funny, Mitchell. It'll be her who'll come crying to you!" Jonathan exclaimed, and then the teenage girl attacked him.   
  
David watched for a few minutes, as the girl was clearly winning, which served Jonathan right for jumping in with his stupid sparkly cape. Still, it was probably best to disappear while the teenage girl was busy with Jonathan rather than himself.


End file.
